Finished week 3 of C25K!!!!

I didn't think I would finish this week. I tried again yesterday and almost fell over from exhaustion and just not .... getting... it...

I woke up early this morning and told Hannah we are RUNNING!

Ok I lied.

I told her last night and when I got up this morning, I grabbed coffee and computer and began coming up with reasons that I couldn't run... it is hot... muggy... people may be out... Katies birthday... Kiahs graduation... somewhere in Asia a tree fell...  yea... excuses.

But Hannah jumped up and said "We are running RIGHT?" (no coffee needed)

So I threw on my awesome new jogging shoes and off we went. Thankfully we were the only ones there. I am using a rap C25k podcast which... I actually don't listen to rap but this works well for me. I don't think I can keep running to George Jones or Willie Nelson... I walked, made the first 90 second and didn't think I could do the first 3 minute run but I DID!

I will admit that I ran the track three times on one half of it because the other half has hills but I DID IT! then I did the second 90 with no problems at all.

The second three minute run was ok for the first half, then I almost gave up. I was hot, sweating, panting, sticky and my legs were on fire... but I kept telling myself I am SO close to that goal and can begin working on week four... I closed my eyes (not a good recommendation) and kept running. When she said my run was up and to cool down

I sobbed.

I admit it. I just cried. I am crying again thinking about it.

I know in the "big" picture this is a small step but its a sign of my body strengthening. My muscles are responding. My body isn't fighting me, in fact it is gracing me with increased stamina and strength.

That is overwhelming and beyond my belief.

Finished week two!!! WooHooo!!!

I actually took four runs to make it but I did it! I am not sure if you are supposed to move on to the next week even if you didn't complete the entire program, however I feel like I should be able to run the entire run before I begin the next week. I have decided to give myself 2 weeks for each "week" of the program so that I don't beat myself up if I can't do it.

Week one took me several attempts .... The first run I couldn't even run even half of the 60 second runs.

Well today, I went to the jogging path with my girls. I was SO excited to see that there was not even one other person there! I was halfway through and doing well when Miss Fitness showed up. Ugh. She is so fit and perky and bops along without breaking a sweat. I made sure we stayed BEHIND her, no way am I running in front.

Anyway... bunny trails... sigh....

Fourth run was fine, our pace had changed so it was the uphill part of the path, but I could make it. Run five I was really panting. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do the last one but when it came time... my girls came through...

"You can do it mom! You can do it!" I started to go and could feel the struggle, they sensed it and began counting.... 88... 87...86...85... They were counting the seconds. I could feel the emotion rise and the tears began. It may seem silly to some but just the fact that my body responds and I CAN do this! It was overwhelming, so I became all teared up and was able to complete it. Kiah reminded me that we had went 2 miles during that 30 minutes which felt even better.

Baby steps.... with the help of my babies :)

Epiphany

I learned something yesterday, have pondered this very. simple. fact.

It is ok to be hungry.

I won't die, nobody is going to hurt me, I'm not being deprived. In fact, maybe feeling hungry is a good thing? True hunger... not just the knowing "oh I haven't eaten in 2 hours" feeling...

I am not sure where this became a fear for me. Maybe the twelve year old kid who didn't have a home, maybe all those nights when I wasn't sure where my mom was or where I was laying my head, let alone have a meal. See... back then, I often stayed at a friends home and I was so embarrassed to eat I would never eat around them. I would say I wasn't hungry and sit alone in the other room while the entire family ate together. In fact, it became such a big thing that if I ever made an attempt to eat a meal, then everybody would loudly exclaim and ponder that I was actually eating, so, I became even more embarrassed and ate even less.

Maybe it was all the frozen hoagie burgers that were microwaved because my single mom worked at a convenience store and did the best she could. I hated them. Hated the salty formless patty on a soft soggy bun. I hated picking the milk from the cooler that was so often outdated because nobody wanted it. Food was a big issue for me.

I guess I never realized that, but it seems obvious.

As an adult, so much of my life centers around food. I have always had a full cupboard. I could easily live in my house for a month and have a full supply of food. I have always focused on healthy whole foods, canning food (currently have over 200 jars of meats, vegetables, sauces, beans, jelly). I feel immense satisfaction when I pick up groceries and see full shelves.

I am a therapist... and until yesterday... I never even saw the link myself. Wow.

I was at work, my stomach was growling and I found myself beginning to panic. Full out anxiety hit like a wall that was threatening to suffocate me. I realized that I had no food at my desk and I panicked even more. I began to think of where I could go to find food and then it hit me... it is JUST hunger. That is all. No panic necessary. I sat there and allowed myself a moment to really process what it was like to just be hungry in a normal way.

I realized that I eat all the time to keep that feeling away. Hunger equals panic for me. Hunger equals fear. Hunger is being alone and not having family. Hunger is long lonely nights when you have no idea where your mother is. Hunger is being too embarrassed and full of shame to come to the table. Hunger equals so much emotional pain for me. I guess it is true...

I eat too much to keep that panic and fear away.

BUT

I am 37, a strong and solid independent woman, a mother of five amazing children, a mental health therapist, a survivor.

And its ok to be hungry.

 Hunger means that my body is working. Hunger means I have burned my calories and need to nourish and feed my muscles, my bones, my brain, all the cells that make me who I am.

Hunger is not to be feared. I have no fear anymore.

I feel liberated.....