Thursday, May 23, 2013

Week 4 day 1 - Not too shabby!

I had the last three days off of running due to weather, graduation of my daughter, family visiting and more. I have been doing workout videos ... Hello Jillian Michaels and Hello pain and agony!

BUT no running. The storms from Oklahoma moved here and made the idea of running outside dangerous in many ways so I was a bit worried I would lose my momentum.

Last night we went to the park to run. Of course, there was Miss Fitness. I now have 2 of them, MF1 and MF2. At least MF2 will smile and act somewhat sympathetic to my ginormous self running but the other one, I swear she laughs at me...

Frustrated that they are there but I think forget it, I'm going... Then the podcast that tells you when to run and walk doesn't download. I was REALLY bummed too because week 4 has a Michael Jackson podcast and well.. that sounded pretty cool! Which, by the way, these are my favorite podcasts yet! Check them out if you are doing C25k!  MJ and other fantabulous podcasts!

Point being, I found a different podcast, week four begins the alternating 3 and 5 minute runs. I don't even know WHAT podcast I found but it was not good. At all.

We warmed up, went for first 3 minute run and it wasn't even hard! Then halfway in the 5 minute run I realize that its STUCK! Like an old record, I didn't even realize a podcast COULD get stuck? So I ran until I couldn't run, reset it and tried again, well it reset from beginning... I will save to boring details ... Suffice it to say was no bueno. Somewhere in there I saw two more people come walk the track, but they were like me... then two beautiful in shape blondes joined in... jogging.. speed jogging.. past me... ugh.

BUT the whole point is I went! I did what I could do, I really need to stop comparing myself to perfection out there. That is easier said then done though!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Finished week 3 of C25K!!!!

I didn't think I would finish this week. I tried again yesterday and almost fell over from exhaustion and just not .... getting... it...

I woke up early this morning and told Hannah we are RUNNING!

Ok I lied.

I told her last night and when I got up this morning, I grabbed coffee and computer and began coming up with reasons that I couldn't run... it is hot... muggy... people may be out... Katies birthday... Kiahs graduation... somewhere in Asia a tree fell...  yea... excuses.

But Hannah jumped up and said "We are running RIGHT?" (no coffee needed)

So I threw on my awesome new jogging shoes and off we went. Thankfully we were the only ones there. I am using a rap C25k podcast which... I actually don't listen to rap but this works well for me. I don't think I can keep running to George Jones or Willie Nelson... I walked, made the first 90 second and didn't think I could do the first 3 minute run but I DID!

I will admit that I ran the track three times on one half of it because the other half has hills but I DID IT! then I did the second 90 with no problems at all.

The second three minute run was ok for the first half, then I almost gave up. I was hot, sweating, panting, sticky and my legs were on fire... but I kept telling myself I am SO close to that goal and can begin working on week four... I closed my eyes (not a good recommendation) and kept running. When she said my run was up and to cool down

I sobbed.

I admit it. I just cried. I am crying again thinking about it.

I know in the "big" picture this is a small step but its a sign of my body strengthening. My muscles are responding. My body isn't fighting me, in fact it is gracing me with increased stamina and strength.

That is overwhelming and beyond my belief.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Week 3 day 2 .... and 2000 degrees out

I did day 1 on Monday, I did the first 90 run, no problem. Second run is 3 minutes and I made it almost through... The next 90 run I made it through but then my leg just stiffened completely in my calf. It was like a charly horse but it didn't hurt. My leg was just stiff and solid and would not move at all... I walked and stretched it out but it did not help at all. It just was solid and stuck and wouldn't move. I quite after 20 minutes.

Yesterday I didn't strength train, I did absolutely, well, nothing. Nada. Except work, watching my senior baby girl accept a scholarship check at a dinner, then my 12 year old baby girl/cheerleader accept a medal at her middle school concert for Solo Ensemble, and by the time all was said, I fell into bed exhausted.

Today I got home and threw on my shoes, I have been jogging on the track at the park, however I live in rural Arkansas town in the bible belt... the track is across from the church... the church I don't go to any longer... so my son Jake and I took off on a run around the area.

Bad. Idea.

It is about 90 out and very humid. I live on a hill, so big of a hill it has its own name... WHY I thought running these hills was a good idea I do not know.

SO, in all my brilliance, Jake and I set out. I ran the first 90, no problem. The first three minutes was mostly flat and I did it with a brief stop because... mark my words... HE COULDN'T KEEP GOING! Yup! I outdid my 10 year old baseball/football star! HAHAHA

Ok, anyway... so when it came to the next 90.. well that was all up hill. A big hill... as in... geometry could make some angles out of that thing...

Jake and I were both huffing and puffing by then so I walked the last ten minutes home. I feel zero regret about it considering that it was absolutely killing my calves. I am sure I will feel that tomorrow.

Then, after cooling down, I did a ten minute cardio video and a ten minute strength video from Sparkpeople. I guess I am new to the game because I didn't even know that existed! It's a bit overwhelming but I have joined and I am doing the 28 day exercise challenge.

Overall... an ok day fitness wise. I would be thrilled if my scale finally started to move though...

but that's another post :)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day Madness

Today was Mother's day, I am sure I went over my calorie count, I am sure that my non exercise day was probably going to show tomorrow but it is what it is...

I had my standard Ezekiel bread with 2 eggs scrambled in coconut oil (hey, I'm a creature of habit...) and went off to church.

Came home, I grilled teriyaki chicken thighs, made brown rice and a huge pan of broccoli, carrots, squash and snow peas. Was awesome and then I ate three thighs. Three.

And apple crisp that was full of organic apples, oats, honey, cinnamon and coconut oil.

And vanilla ice cream.

And the entire 8 pieces of caramel candy my daughter gave me.


I think I will switch to weighing in one time per week ;-)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Finished week two!!! WooHooo!!!

I actually took four runs to make it but I did it! I am not sure if you are supposed to move on to the next week even if you didn't complete the entire program, however I feel like I should be able to run the entire run before I begin the next week. I have decided to give myself 2 weeks for each "week" of the program so that I don't beat myself up if I can't do it.

Week one took me several attempts .... The first run I couldn't even run even half of the 60 second runs.

Well today, I went to the jogging path with my girls. I was SO excited to see that there was not even one other person there! I was halfway through and doing well when Miss Fitness showed up. Ugh. She is so fit and perky and bops along without breaking a sweat. I made sure we stayed BEHIND her, no way am I running in front.

Anyway... bunny trails... sigh....

Fourth run was fine, our pace had changed so it was the uphill part of the path, but I could make it. Run five I was really panting. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do the last one but when it came time... my girls came through...

"You can do it mom! You can do it!" I started to go and could feel the struggle, they sensed it and began counting.... 88... 87...86...85... They were counting the seconds. I could feel the emotion rise and the tears began. It may seem silly to some but just the fact that my body responds and I CAN do this! It was overwhelming, so I became all teared up and was able to complete it. Kiah reminded me that we had went 2 miles during that 30 minutes which felt even better.

Baby steps.... with the help of my babies :)

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Week 2 day 2 C25K

I worked late, had a rough day with several kids struggling and found myself thinking ... "I just want to run"

Wow! WooHooooo! Which, its a good thing I want to run because it ended up being a bad food day. Very bad food day. As in Taco Bell for dinner and a diet coke. So I needed some activity!

I ran yesterday and have been working hard to alternate running/nerd fitness strength training. yesterday's run was cut short, not necessarily because I wore out but because it was REALLY hot and I live at the top of a BIG hill. I was going to jog the way around but realized that I may not make it up that hill if I didn't go home when I did.

It's not much but its better each day and that I will be thankful for!

So, back to today! I came home, handed the taco's to the kids (my kiddo was going to cook dinner and then let me know she had zero clue what to do with the chicken breasts left out... at 7pm....)

I threw on my sneakers and jogging clothes, they quickly joined in and off we went to the running track. I made it for the first 20 minutes and my shins began to hurt. I slowed down the walking segment and of course, it put me just in line with Miss Universe... Miss Fit as a Fiddle.... and my self esteem plummeted, I couldn't jog in front of her and so I stopped, slowed down, did a brisk walk for the last 20 minutes.

I could beat myself up but I won't. I did 30 minutes of exercise plus 10 minutes of strength. I'll take that :D

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


I learned something yesterday, have pondered this very. simple. fact.

It is ok to be hungry.

I won't die, nobody is going to hurt me, I'm not being deprived. In fact, maybe feeling hungry is a good thing? True hunger... not just the knowing "oh I haven't eaten in 2 hours" feeling...

I am not sure where this became a fear for me. Maybe the twelve year old kid who didn't have a home, maybe all those nights when I wasn't sure where my mom was or where I was laying my head, let alone have a meal. See... back then, I often stayed at a friends home and I was so embarrassed to eat I would never eat around them. I would say I wasn't hungry and sit alone in the other room while the entire family ate together. In fact, it became such a big thing that if I ever made an attempt to eat a meal, then everybody would loudly exclaim and ponder that I was actually eating, so, I became even more embarrassed and ate even less.

Maybe it was all the frozen hoagie burgers that were microwaved because my single mom worked at a convenience store and did the best she could. I hated them. Hated the salty formless patty on a soft soggy bun. I hated picking the milk from the cooler that was so often outdated because nobody wanted it. Food was a big issue for me.

I guess I never realized that, but it seems obvious.

As an adult, so much of my life centers around food. I have always had a full cupboard. I could easily live in my house for a month and have a full supply of food. I have always focused on healthy whole foods, canning food (currently have over 200 jars of meats, vegetables, sauces, beans, jelly). I feel immense satisfaction when I pick up groceries and see full shelves.

I am a therapist... and until yesterday... I never even saw the link myself. Wow.

I was at work, my stomach was growling and I found myself beginning to panic. Full out anxiety hit like a wall that was threatening to suffocate me. I realized that I had no food at my desk and I panicked even more. I began to think of where I could go to find food and then it hit me... it is JUST hunger. That is all. No panic necessary. I sat there and allowed myself a moment to really process what it was like to just be hungry in a normal way.

I realized that I eat all the time to keep that feeling away. Hunger equals panic for me. Hunger equals fear. Hunger is being alone and not having family. Hunger is long lonely nights when you have no idea where your mother is. Hunger is being too embarrassed and full of shame to come to the table. Hunger equals so much emotional pain for me. I guess it is true...

I eat too much to keep that panic and fear away.


I am 37, a strong and solid independent woman, a mother of five amazing children, a mental health therapist, a survivor.

And its ok to be hungry.

 Hunger means that my body is working. Hunger means I have burned my calories and need to nourish and feed my muscles, my bones, my brain, all the cells that make me who I am.

Hunger is not to be feared. I have no fear anymore.

I feel liberated.....

Monday, May 6, 2013

Workout of the day!

First...  I didn't jog yet. Nope. Raining like I still live in Oregon. I am seriously irritated BUT I did get my new kicks! I am the proud owner of a new pair of Asics! I am pretty excited, they were a good buy off of Amazon for 65.00 compared to some other sites I looked at. I know.... all recommendations are to go to a running store and have your feet measured, tested and all that. Maybe someday but while I live in rural Ozarks, Amazon it is! I did choose these ones as they came up in multiple recommendations for overweight runners. In this pic... I hadn't tried them on yet... I can't run in the rain with them because they may get wet and dirty and.. oh yea... isn't that the point?

However, the lazy being I am (cmon, I had to work hard to get round like this!) decided I don't want to run in the rain. I am considering joining Curves, but in the meantime I need to be doing SOMETHING so I found this amazing workout... brought to you courtesy of my kitchen bench and a gallon of milk!!!


So I began looking for basic strength training at home for idiots like me that have zero coordination and find workout videos to be so frustrating I give up. I did some googling and found THIS!!!

YES! Something I can DO! Well... er... it actually went something like this.

Strap on my new shoes (wow so tight! Wasn't expecting that, thought they would be dreamy to put on... er.. no... can feet lose weight?)

Jog through one end of my house to the other for three minutes, then realize I could be like Rocky and add jogging up and down the stairs to my back and forth jog (hey, I'm a hero in my mind!)

First Circuit - armed with good music and a water bottle...

20 squats - easy breezy
10 pushups - done
20 lunges - ok... ouch but ok
10 dumbbell rows - breeze (am I doing it right?)
15 second plank  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA seriously?? who makes this torture up. Ten seconds pushed it
30 jumping jacks - is breathing absolutely necessary?

Took a chug of water and back to circuit 2
20 lunges... my right leg wobbles and won't hold weight... stop at 15
10 pushups - barely
20 lunges... oh shit... did those... I'm supposed to do squats... 9 squats later I feel like throwing up...

Well boys and girls... that was my awesome workout for the day. I'm pretty out of shape... BUT I won't get discouraged! NOPE! Just like this pic.... I did more then yesterday...

***EDITED to add... I went back and did the third circuit after about ten minutes of rest. No idea if that is smart or not but I did it!

Sunday, May 5, 2013

What to EAT?

I am anti diet

Great coming from an overweight mom huh?

Ever since I could begin to think about food, I was concerned with chemicals in food. I have never been one to partake in easy bake meals or even much junk food. In fact I really didn't have a weight problem until I went Vegan


I know... most people think that vegetarian and vegan lifestyles are perfect, and for some they are but for me they were a one way road to obesity. There is a lot of science behind that (hormones, soy, need for certain fats blah blah blah) The point is, that is when I became obese and have struggled since then.

My Dr is the one who originally put me on Atkins, at that time I was still a vegetarian and it was one hell of a hard transition. However I lost 75 pounds and never felt better. Enter bad divorce, relocation to another part of the state, college, graduate school, five kids and a full time job well... Pizza and Pasta became easy.

I had moved back to a whole foods diet after being discouraged by the "low fat" suggestions of South Beach. I couldn't wrap my head around the concept that eating more chemicals was somehow better for me then eating natural fats and proteins. Like the picture says.. I trust cows more then chemists....

I have long been a fan of Michael Pollan, his rules make sense. Don't eat what your great grandparents wouldn't recognize... Eat food, mostly plants, not too much... Don't eat foods with more then 5 ingredients, ingredients you can't pronounce or high fructose corn syrup.

Add in some Weston Price and the need for whole foods, pastured beef, healthy fats (Hello Coconut Oil!!!) and raw dairy. Now THAT makes sense to me!

And throw in some Tosca Reno... Eating proteins, fats and healthy carbs in controlled manner... Yup.

So the crazy thing is... if I knew all of this why am I so heavy? Well... knowing and doing is two different things. If you came to my house you would find zero junk food. None. Ever. Lots of meats, fresh vegetables, I order organic food from Azure Standard, I garden and can my produce...

But I eat ALOT, and at night, and all through the day. I realize the other day that I had brought a quart of trail mix I made, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, cashews, raisins, dates and carob chips.

I ate it in 2 days. Yup. 2 days.

SO, my plan is daily tracking of my food. Eat what I want until I am full. Exercise 5 days per week. Lots of water and NO MORE EATING LUNCH OUT.

Just have to keep yelling that to myself because that is where I can easily pack on a days worth of food...

That amazing Nachos with the chicken and vegetables... and cheese sauce... and guacamole... and sour cream... uh huh... its amazing...

Zero more. Nada. Ok... once a week. I have to go once a week because of a work commitment. But I can choose a salad, or a wrap or something that isn't 2200 calories :)

And uh... I didn't run last night ..... Rain was intense..... bad bad bad

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Motivation ... Where art thou?

Motivation is zero, actually about a negative 4.

I ran on Monday which was a fail... Tuesday I planned on joining Curves so that I can alternate run with Curves (that's a different post altogether) but I was rerouted to ER with my daughter (she is fine, multiple tests later but that's a different post)

Along came Wednesday, perfect day for a run! Except I worked late, got home late, was dark and raining. Ok... Thursday is the day....

Thursday was the school play. I worked until 5:30 and play was at 6:00. Of course when we left I had to take my thespian and family out for dinner at Cheeseburger and tots and 9pm meant no exercise and a whopping lack of energy.

Friday Hoooray! I'm so ready to exercise AND I got my new running shoes!!!! And I forgot that I had to pick up three extra kids and cook dinner and it was POURING outside....

So Saturday morning I will run. I promise. I will get out on the track..

Guess what. It is the town Yard Sale today... I will not humiliate myself by running on that track in front of everybody. I should be strong, I should use my positive reinforcement skills. I am a freaking therapist for criminy's sake. I should overcome. But Shame is strong. So here I sit.... typing my frustration.

Tonight. I will go tonight. Scouts honor (did I have to be a scout for that to matter?)