Week 4 day 1 - Not too shabby!

I had the last three days off of running due to weather, graduation of my daughter, family visiting and more. I have been doing workout videos ... Hello Jillian Michaels and Hello pain and agony!

BUT no running. The storms from Oklahoma moved here and made the idea of running outside dangerous in many ways so I was a bit worried I would lose my momentum.

Last night we went to the park to run. Of course, there was Miss Fitness. I now have 2 of them, MF1 and MF2. At least MF2 will smile and act somewhat sympathetic to my ginormous self running but the other one, I swear she laughs at me...

Frustrated that they are there but I think forget it, I'm going... Then the podcast that tells you when to run and walk doesn't download. I was REALLY bummed too because week 4 has a Michael Jackson podcast and well.. that sounded pretty cool! Which, by the way, these are my favorite podcasts yet! Check them out if you are doing C25k!  MJ and other fantabulous podcasts!

Point being, I found a different podcast, week four begins the alternating 3 and 5 minute runs. I don't even know WHAT podcast I found but it was not good. At all.

We warmed up, went for first 3 minute run and it wasn't even hard! Then halfway in the 5 minute run I realize that its STUCK! Like an old record, I didn't even realize a podcast COULD get stuck? So I ran until I couldn't run, reset it and tried again, well it reset from beginning... I will save to boring details ... Suffice it to say was no bueno. Somewhere in there I saw two more people come walk the track, but they were like me... then two beautiful in shape blondes joined in... jogging.. speed jogging.. past me... ugh.

BUT the whole point is I went! I did what I could do, I really need to stop comparing myself to perfection out there. That is easier said then done though!

Finished week 3 of C25K!!!!

I didn't think I would finish this week. I tried again yesterday and almost fell over from exhaustion and just not .... getting... it...

I woke up early this morning and told Hannah we are RUNNING!

Ok I lied.

I told her last night and when I got up this morning, I grabbed coffee and computer and began coming up with reasons that I couldn't run... it is hot... muggy... people may be out... Katies birthday... Kiahs graduation... somewhere in Asia a tree fell...  yea... excuses.

But Hannah jumped up and said "We are running RIGHT?" (no coffee needed)

So I threw on my awesome new jogging shoes and off we went. Thankfully we were the only ones there. I am using a rap C25k podcast which... I actually don't listen to rap but this works well for me. I don't think I can keep running to George Jones or Willie Nelson... I walked, made the first 90 second and didn't think I could do the first 3 minute run but I DID!

I will admit that I ran the track three times on one half of it because the other half has hills but I DID IT! then I did the second 90 with no problems at all.

The second three minute run was ok for the first half, then I almost gave up. I was hot, sweating, panting, sticky and my legs were on fire... but I kept telling myself I am SO close to that goal and can begin working on week four... I closed my eyes (not a good recommendation) and kept running. When she said my run was up and to cool down

I sobbed.

I admit it. I just cried. I am crying again thinking about it.

I know in the "big" picture this is a small step but its a sign of my body strengthening. My muscles are responding. My body isn't fighting me, in fact it is gracing me with increased stamina and strength.

That is overwhelming and beyond my belief.

Week 3 day 2 .... and 2000 degrees out

I did day 1 on Monday, I did the first 90 run, no problem. Second run is 3 minutes and I made it almost through... The next 90 run I made it through but then my leg just stiffened completely in my calf. It was like a charly horse but it didn't hurt. My leg was just stiff and solid and would not move at all... I walked and stretched it out but it did not help at all. It just was solid and stuck and wouldn't move. I quite after 20 minutes.

Yesterday I didn't strength train, I did absolutely, well, nothing. Nada. Except work, watching my senior baby girl accept a scholarship check at a dinner, then my 12 year old baby girl/cheerleader accept a medal at her middle school concert for Solo Ensemble, and by the time all was said, I fell into bed exhausted.

Today I got home and threw on my shoes, I have been jogging on the track at the park, however I live in rural Arkansas town in the bible belt... the track is across from the church... the church I don't go to any longer... so my son Jake and I took off on a run around the area.

Bad. Idea.

It is about 90 out and very humid. I live on a hill, so big of a hill it has its own name... WHY I thought running these hills was a good idea I do not know.

SO, in all my brilliance, Jake and I set out. I ran the first 90, no problem. The first three minutes was mostly flat and I did it with a brief stop because... mark my words... HE COULDN'T KEEP GOING! Yup! I outdid my 10 year old baseball/football star! HAHAHA

Ok, anyway... so when it came to the next 90.. well that was all up hill. A big hill... as in... geometry could make some angles out of that thing...

Jake and I were both huffing and puffing by then so I walked the last ten minutes home. I feel zero regret about it considering that it was absolutely killing my calves. I am sure I will feel that tomorrow.

Then, after cooling down, I did a ten minute cardio video and a ten minute strength video from Sparkpeople. I guess I am new to the game because I didn't even know that existed! It's a bit overwhelming but I have joined and I am doing the 28 day exercise challenge.

Overall... an ok day fitness wise. I would be thrilled if my scale finally started to move though...

but that's another post :)

Mother's Day Madness

Today was Mother's day, I am sure I went over my calorie count, I am sure that my non exercise day was probably going to show tomorrow but it is what it is...

I had my standard Ezekiel bread with 2 eggs scrambled in coconut oil (hey, I'm a creature of habit...) and went off to church.

Came home, I grilled teriyaki chicken thighs, made brown rice and a huge pan of broccoli, carrots, squash and snow peas. Was awesome and then I ate three thighs. Three.

And apple crisp that was full of organic apples, oats, honey, cinnamon and coconut oil.

And vanilla ice cream.

And the entire 8 pieces of caramel candy my daughter gave me.

Sigh.

I think I will switch to weighing in one time per week ;-)

Finished week two!!! WooHooo!!!

I actually took four runs to make it but I did it! I am not sure if you are supposed to move on to the next week even if you didn't complete the entire program, however I feel like I should be able to run the entire run before I begin the next week. I have decided to give myself 2 weeks for each "week" of the program so that I don't beat myself up if I can't do it.

Week one took me several attempts .... The first run I couldn't even run even half of the 60 second runs.

Well today, I went to the jogging path with my girls. I was SO excited to see that there was not even one other person there! I was halfway through and doing well when Miss Fitness showed up. Ugh. She is so fit and perky and bops along without breaking a sweat. I made sure we stayed BEHIND her, no way am I running in front.

Anyway... bunny trails... sigh....

Fourth run was fine, our pace had changed so it was the uphill part of the path, but I could make it. Run five I was really panting. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do the last one but when it came time... my girls came through...

"You can do it mom! You can do it!" I started to go and could feel the struggle, they sensed it and began counting.... 88... 87...86...85... They were counting the seconds. I could feel the emotion rise and the tears began. It may seem silly to some but just the fact that my body responds and I CAN do this! It was overwhelming, so I became all teared up and was able to complete it. Kiah reminded me that we had went 2 miles during that 30 minutes which felt even better.

Baby steps.... with the help of my babies :)

Week 2 day 2 C25K

I worked late, had a rough day with several kids struggling and found myself thinking ... "I just want to run"

Wow! WooHooooo! Which, its a good thing I want to run because it ended up being a bad food day. Very bad food day. As in Taco Bell for dinner and a diet coke. So I needed some activity!

I ran yesterday and have been working hard to alternate running/nerd fitness strength training. yesterday's run was cut short, not necessarily because I wore out but because it was REALLY hot and I live at the top of a BIG hill. I was going to jog the way around but realized that I may not make it up that hill if I didn't go home when I did.

It's not much but its better each day and that I will be thankful for!


So, back to today! I came home, handed the taco's to the kids (my kiddo was going to cook dinner and then let me know she had zero clue what to do with the chicken breasts left out... at 7pm....)

I threw on my sneakers and jogging clothes, they quickly joined in and off we went to the running track. I made it for the first 20 minutes and my shins began to hurt. I slowed down the walking segment and of course, it put me just in line with Miss Universe... Miss Fit as a Fiddle.... and my self esteem plummeted, I couldn't jog in front of her and so I stopped, slowed down, did a brisk walk for the last 20 minutes.

I could beat myself up but I won't. I did 30 minutes of exercise plus 10 minutes of strength. I'll take that :D

Epiphany

I learned something yesterday, have pondered this very. simple. fact.

It is ok to be hungry.

I won't die, nobody is going to hurt me, I'm not being deprived. In fact, maybe feeling hungry is a good thing? True hunger... not just the knowing "oh I haven't eaten in 2 hours" feeling...

I am not sure where this became a fear for me. Maybe the twelve year old kid who didn't have a home, maybe all those nights when I wasn't sure where my mom was or where I was laying my head, let alone have a meal. See... back then, I often stayed at a friends home and I was so embarrassed to eat I would never eat around them. I would say I wasn't hungry and sit alone in the other room while the entire family ate together. In fact, it became such a big thing that if I ever made an attempt to eat a meal, then everybody would loudly exclaim and ponder that I was actually eating, so, I became even more embarrassed and ate even less.

Maybe it was all the frozen hoagie burgers that were microwaved because my single mom worked at a convenience store and did the best she could. I hated them. Hated the salty formless patty on a soft soggy bun. I hated picking the milk from the cooler that was so often outdated because nobody wanted it. Food was a big issue for me.

I guess I never realized that, but it seems obvious.

As an adult, so much of my life centers around food. I have always had a full cupboard. I could easily live in my house for a month and have a full supply of food. I have always focused on healthy whole foods, canning food (currently have over 200 jars of meats, vegetables, sauces, beans, jelly). I feel immense satisfaction when I pick up groceries and see full shelves.

I am a therapist... and until yesterday... I never even saw the link myself. Wow.

I was at work, my stomach was growling and I found myself beginning to panic. Full out anxiety hit like a wall that was threatening to suffocate me. I realized that I had no food at my desk and I panicked even more. I began to think of where I could go to find food and then it hit me... it is JUST hunger. That is all. No panic necessary. I sat there and allowed myself a moment to really process what it was like to just be hungry in a normal way.

I realized that I eat all the time to keep that feeling away. Hunger equals panic for me. Hunger equals fear. Hunger is being alone and not having family. Hunger is long lonely nights when you have no idea where your mother is. Hunger is being too embarrassed and full of shame to come to the table. Hunger equals so much emotional pain for me. I guess it is true...

I eat too much to keep that panic and fear away.

BUT

I am 37, a strong and solid independent woman, a mother of five amazing children, a mental health therapist, a survivor.

And its ok to be hungry.

 Hunger means that my body is working. Hunger means I have burned my calories and need to nourish and feed my muscles, my bones, my brain, all the cells that make me who I am.

Hunger is not to be feared. I have no fear anymore.

I feel liberated.....